1 Peter 3 |

Husband King

One of the great things about our God that we really like to boast about is that He lays down His life for us. That’s also the source of our salvation, but simply His desire and His willingness to do so make us boast of Him. We’ve got such a great Husband. He’s amazing. Being high above all creation, He makes Himself of no repute. Being perfect Spirit, He takes on humble flesh. Being our ultimate King he even lowers himself just a little under our arm, so He can wrap His own around us and lift us up. He walks with us. Supports us with His power. Not only does He humble Himself so immensely, but in taking on human flesh He even walks out our own righteousness, gets on His knees, and calls out to the Father. God gets on His knees. God obeys. God prays to God.

Yet none of this enormous act of loving humility would make us deny that he is our Lord and King. Unless we are the worst of hypocrites or the worst of heretics, we would say that the very same Husband who pours Himself out with mercy is also our only authority. He is the only King. So being a Servant King does nothing to preclude His tangible leadership. Why should it? He leads us through His word, His commandments, His speaking to our conscience. He leads us also through earthly authorities whom He puts in place and we must obey them unless they demand we do evil. Psalm 2 even makes it clear the strength of His leadership, Mashiach (Christ) will reign with a rod of iron. You do not wish Him to be angry. Oh, no you don’t.

That model of laying down one’s life, and being king, is also the model for the husband in New Covenant marriage. He is like Mashiach. His wife is like the Kahol (Church). He should love her as his own flesh. She should obey him in all things. It’s not a modern idea, sure. But it’s a true one. That leadership that the New Covenant husband has is one that includes simple obedience by his wife, but it is also one which calls for deeper leadership as well. He is a spiritual leader to his wife and to his home. He leads her heart. She follows him. Just listen to the words in Ephesians 5, which compare the husband’s leadership to Mashiach’s, who leads His Kallah (Bride) “that He might sanctify and cleans her by the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle…” This rich kind of leadership, beloved, is leadership of the soul and spirit. Mashiach does it with the Kahol. Husbands are to do it with their wives.

This spiritual relationship is again well-presented in 1 Peter, which is telling us about the Kahol’s former sinfulness when it dives straight into husbands and wives. It tells us, “For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” It’s true, this passage is in relation to ungodly husbands in contrast to Ephesians 5, but notice that the wives witness is not to suddenly take command from an ungodly husband. Her witness to the Savior is in her submissiveness to her husband and her chaste conduct. Her witness is the woman’s witness. It is the witness of a gentle and quiet spirit. The witness of one formerly gone astray.

This spiritual leadership makes a lot of sense if we just think about our relationship with God. We turn to Him for spiritual leading, we trust that just like His word says, He will remake us, give us a new heart, make us holy and complete before Him. And as we grow and learn to use that new heart, we find a great desire to do His will, even a sweet joy in doing His will where before, there would have been none. Yet even with a newfound joy in serving God, there are plenty of times when the carnal man is speaking to us. There are plenty of times when, in our heart, we don’t want to do the good. We want to do the evil. But what is the right answer for those times? Of course there is only one right answer; that is to shut up and obey. We must obey God. The same is true in the leadership of man and his bride. He IS leading her spiritually. She ought to WANT in her heart to help him and bring honor to him. Yet even when those feelings are not there, which may be more than once or twice, the only good answer is to obey. That is true with any authority. There’s a time to shut up and obey.

Now the reason for an essay about headship in New Covenant marriage at Kodesh Kallah is not to broadly cover the subject, as fascinating as it is. Rather, it is that most of the Body of Messiah hears and practices a very watered down version of this holy relationship. In fact, it is often so watered down that it counts as a deception. What you will hear from most churches, including everything from Evangelical to Catholic, is a softening of the headship and submission in marriage, typically one which undermines the man’s real authority and encourages the woman’s spirit to be anything but chaste. This is what you will mostly hear. That’s a fact.

The typical “headship” talk churches give their congregants is so convoluted that you wonder if anything has been communicated at all. To briefly characterize this modern approach, I call it the A,B,C,D method. Or the Stalin method. It usually goes a little like this:

A) The man should be sure not to behave like Joseph Stalin.

B) We’re serious guys; make sure not to behave like Stalin.

C) The man and woman should serve each other equally and love one another but in the final decision the man has the final say.

D) Guys, need I remind you….please don’t behave like Joseph Stalin.

I realize I’ve put a fair amount of ridicule in there, but the contemporary approach to New Covenant marriage is terrible enough and damaging enough to deserve a fair share of it. Now of course, portions A,B, and D of this modern method might elicit the most laughs. And they are laughable. They DO sound like they were designed for a roomful of convicted psychopaths in rehab counseling. But it is portion C which in fact is the most diabolical.

Now strictly speaking, there’s nothing false about portion C. There are no lies. Husband and wife ought to serve one another, just as every human soul ought to. They ought really to love one another. And yes, in the final decision the man has the final say. Yet what is false about this portion, in fact is truly diabolical, is what it fails to say. You see this method refuses to communicate clearly the real leadership of the man and the real obedience of the wife. It’s as if they didn’t exist.

In fact, take a look at that heavily-edited biblical truth and compare it with the model of Mashiach I briefly presented in the opening two paragraphs. Or for that matter, compare it with other biblical models which capture both His lordship and His sacrifice. Compare it with the plain words of scripture. You will find that this pretty nonsense fails at all to capture the leadership that the man has, in comparison with Mashiach Himself over his wife. You see it either erases it, or more often, clouds it up. Yet if Mashiach is King. Man is king. And his bride too must obey him.

One of the immediate revolts that the modern Western soul has with this biblical teaching comes with an association of clear and strong leadership with evil things. Especially clear and strong leadership from a man OVER his wife. Suddenly, being the boss becomes a wicked thing, rather than a good one. Who but an arrogant and sadistic man would want to be the boss anyway? Suddenly giving commands becomes a cruel act, rather than a natural and good one. Why not just give suggestions instead? Here the “Joseph Stalin” portions of this modern method again take hold. Remember all those wicked people who gave real commands? Stalin gave commands. Nazi guards gave commands at death camps. Genghis Kahn gave commands riding around on horseback slaughtering villagers. We can’t have anyone giving commands around here. Not in a “Christian” marriage. Nope. Doesn’t happen.

Another way to look at it is to compare this modern representation of headship and submission with your own relationship with Mashiach. The modern representation has a wife who is basically doing her own thing and following her own goals, but checks with her husband on this or that final decision. But does this really imitate our relationship with Mashiach? Should we be doing our own thing and following our own goals independently and then check with our Savior from time to time? Check with the word of God from time to time? I think that’s a far cry from what we strive for. We strive to live for our Savior in every breath, to struggle for Him, to be conformed to His shape, responsive to His leading, obedient in all things. Even as we fail at this, we still cry out to Him, forgive me, forgive me. Make every yearning and thought and word and deed captive within you. That is how we live with Mashiach each day. That is utter devotion and love and servitude and delight in belonging to Him. By comparison, the modern church description of marriage sounds awfully sterile doesn’t it? It sounds clinical. Empty.

Now however clever the modern church method is, however many millions it deceives, the falsehood of erasing clear and plain biblical leadership is obvious. Examining the life in Mashiach, we see that our eternal King is, for want of a better word, our Boss. That’s right. Our Boss. Furthermore, our eternal Boss gives commands and will certainly give more as He rules on His return and puts to flight His enemies. Mashiach may have called us His friends, His brethren, but we are also called His servants. His children. Shaleach (Apostle) Thomas on learning the resurrected Lord was real even called out to Him crying “My Lord and My God.” And who among us wouldn’t throw himself at the Lord’s feet at His awesome return?

Here are a few questions for you, beloved:

Who on earth would desire to erase, or greatly lighten, the biblical model of headship and submission?
Who on earth would wish to deny it to husbands and wives?
Who would revolt at the plain biblical language about the marriage relationship?
Who would revolt at the woman’s chastity and gentleness?
Who would revolt at the word obey?
Would a soul rooted in MASHIACH revolt at these things?
Or would a soul rooted in MODERNITY revolt?
Which one, in contrast, would hear them and feel peace?

I’d like to ask everyone to examine their OWN marriages, and see if they are rooted in the divine truth of Messiah and Kahol, or if they are a modern amalgam, or even a denial of it. I’d also like to suggest that if you do NOT know who the boss in your marriage is, you may be experiencing the bare minimum of the brilliant New Covenant marriage you’ve been given. Or you may not be experiencing it at all. Husbands, do you know it is your role to lead your wife, in her spiritual growth in God, in her submission to you and in regular household affairs? Are you devoted to your headship role? Do you take responsibility for the whole household you lead, INCLUDING your wife? Women, is your marriage a journey in submission to your king? Does it fulfill a desire to help him and to help all the things he does? Are you receptive to him as we all ought to be toward our Lord, seeking out the word yes, and eschewing the word no? These are only brief descriptions of the beauty of New Covenant marriage, yet I wish to hold them up before you as gemstones. To let you admire them. To desire their spiritual treasures.

Finally, since marriage in the Kahol has thoroughly collapsed, I’d like to suggest a new standard for what makes a kosher congregation. One that’s biblically strong. Today, a lot of congregations will say the right buzzwords, and tell the world they’re “bible-believing,” or “conservative” or “evangelical.” Yet when it gets down to it, they promote lifestyles which are not far from the secular world surrounding them. So I’m promoting some NEW buzzwords here. Forget “conservative evangelical.” How about this instead: Respects Biblical Gender Roles. That might be a much better indicator that they’re leading their sheep towards a holy life. I can see it now, “We’re your friendly neighborhood bible-believing church, and we respect biblical gender roles.” If congregations began holding to THIS standard, they would have to get out of the modernist frame of mind. And when they speak about marriage, they would have to teach a few simple things – that the man is the boss, and he gives the commands.

To the Restoration of the Bride:
How I Lead My Wife — This is my own description of what leadership means in our home. It covers the basics, not everything. Since so many discussions of biblical headship can be theoretical and nothing more, I just thought the best way would be a simple objective description. I recommend the principles I describe to husbands out there who are unfamiliar with leading their wives.
The Weaker Vessel — This article begins with the question of why Adam ate the fruit in the Garden, and goes on to summarize several kinds of protection husbands need to offer their wives. At the end, I take my own shot at answering the timeless question.
Ways My Wife Helps Me — From childbearing, to important work in the household, to being an example of godliness, I talk about some of the biggest ways that my helpmate helps me.
Why do you “Xians” follow so many rules?
Submitting to One Another — This lesson from a good Bible website discusses biblical submission and authority, while focusing on explaining the meaning of Ephesians 5:21.
Hidden Person of the Heart — David Guzik’s verse-by-verse commentary on 1 Peter 3. The long first section deals with the wife’s submission and the husband’s love. It is an excellent overview of this passage, although I would not endorse every comment.
Response to Objections — Here is my own article refuting common objections to male headship using both scripture and common sense. It is also, like most of my other work, a call to repentance.
Submit: Reviewing word use — This may be 15 pages, but it’s an explosion of fun. I go over the uses of submit throughout the Brit Chadasha (New Testament), then I get real Old Testament on you and give a short commentary on 50 Shades of Grey.
Submission: Word Use — A shorter piece reviewing the Greek words meaning submit and obey. It’s really not complicated.
A Curse in the Garden — This excellent piece from Answers in Genesis, which refutes the feminist claim that Genesis makes male headship a curse, does a good job of explaining man’s authority, the creation order and the meaning of the word “desire” in Genesis 3. This ministry by the way, while it spends a great deal of time arguing for biblical creation, is an excellent apologetics resources and makes sure to point to Messiah in all of its work.
Correcting Distorted Teachings about Headship in Marriage — I’ve gone into some of the specific distorted teachings you’ll hear about headship and done my best to point out the errors and give a more accurate portrayal. I hope it gives you a clearer idea of headship as well as some practical examples.
Win Your Unconverted Husband Without a Word — This short explanation from David Pawson gives excellent biblical advice on how a born-again wife can, through her submission, win her unbelieving husband to the Lord.
Miserable Wives — This is an excellent letter addressed to an unhappy wife who wants a divorce. It gets to the heart of the problem. By Douglas Wilson.
How a Wife Can Use Revenence to Build or Save her Marriage — Most people hear about the wife’s submission, but we often forget the spirit and practice of reverence toward her husband; the way she shows him high honor and respect. This sermon gives a good explanation of reverence and provides some practical advice.

Garments of Glory

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From nearly the beginning of Torah, Elohim (God) provides man with clothing to wear. These are the animal skins He gives Adam and Eve after the Fall. The animal skins are obviously an early expression of atonement, but they are also an early expression of modesty. I find it fascinating that the modesty taught in scripture is an echo of the Gospel itself, and even seems an important element in the likeness of God. From the modesty of our Jewish priests, who ascended a ramp to the altar instead of steps so as to conceal their nakedness, to the garments of glory promised by the prophet Isaiah to the modesty of apparel and modesty of heart as expressed in the Epistles for godly women, covering up our body is a deep and rich expression of salvation. Even Elohim is covered and clothed according to Holy Scriptures; He is covered in light; He is clothed in majesty. Is it any wonder that He promises His Kallah (Bride) fine linen, white clothing when they finally are to wed?

That fine clothing our Lord promises us represents our righteousness. Scripture clearly tells us that as well. Being covered up is in contrast to our nakedness, which represents our sin, our guilt, our shame. It’s furthermore in contrast to the nakedness of the land, the barren ruined Israel that remained after Elohim brought punishment on His wicked people. The word of God repeatedly shows us the shame of nakedness. When the Assyrians led the Egyptians and Ethiopians captive, their soldiers uncovered the captives’ buttocks to shame them on their long walk into captivity. When King David sought to humble himself greatly before Elohim, he worshipped in only little clothing, little enough that his wife was ashamed and ceased to desire him. Revealing nakedness as an expression is used over and over for revealing sin. The Lord God uncovers the nakedness of His sinful people. Then He brings them justice.

For these reasons and more, our modesty is a picture of Elohim’s saving process. A picture of His plan. An image of one of its final expressions. So strange then, that the holy practice of modesty and even the word “modesty” itself have become nearly alien to the Kallah that our Lord is to marry. Bring it up in your community and you’ll either get some puzzled looks, or you’ll get some souls who agree there’s too much skin floating around, but have no idea what to do about it. However, scripture itself, and pious men throughout the centuries, have ALWAYS known that there is something to do about it. It’s called covering our nakedness.

That is a difficult thought for many in the Body of Messiah today. We have been taught in recent years that having standards as such is Pharisaic or legalistic. We’ve been taught that grace will just lead souls the way to figure it out themselves. But you see, that’s a false Christian philosophy. It is also one of the reasons for the abandonment of modesty in general. You might call it an ideology of lawlessness and it’s a major cause of the half-naked Bride we see around us. It’s a lie that’s been repeated over and over and so often that now believers across the globe accept it. But beloved. It is not true.

We can be lovers of Messiah, true children of His grace, and ALSO live with standards. Here, let me show you. I’m going to say a standard of modesty, and you can repeat after me. Are you ready? Good. Here it goes….NECK. Did you get that? N-E-C-K NECK. Let me hear you say it loud and clear. Wonderful! Now I’m going to say another standard, and believe me, I’m still loving Messiah just as much when I say it. Here it goes….ANKLE. That’s right just one word. Ankle. Now I’m not even finished yet with a thorough expression of modesty, but I’ve already set a few strong fixed points in our godly standard, our illustration of our Lord’s glory.

If I want I could continue, but I’ll let the information on this page do that for me later. I hope and pray it helps you wade into, swim into and embrace the practice of modesty. I also hope it encourages you to be bold, and seek to bring real standards to your congregations and broader communities. And please don’t give up. You know, the first time you talk about it to a church leader, there’s an excellent chance you’ll get absolutely nowhere at all. You might get some smoke-blowing. You might get some double-talk. Some excuses. Some accusations, just as you would expect from the Adversary himself. But DO NOT give up. Keep persuading your community. Keep practicing modesty yourself.

We are the holy Bride of Messiah and we must not live like the world around us, which puts the human soul in the place of God and is enamored with nakedness. We are not like that. We are like the virgin, keeping her lamp ready, preparing for when her bridegroom comes. We submit the human soul to God and are enamored with His radiant garments.

He who overcomes shall be clothed in white garments, and I will not blot out his name from the Book of Life; but I will confess his name before My Father and before His angels. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. (Rev 3:5-6)

To the Restoration of the Bride:
A Biblical Review of Modesty — By Scott T. Brown. This audio sermon on modesty is one of the best you will find. It discusses modesty, primarily for women, centered on six main biblical texts. It’s aptly titled — Wearing the Robes of Righteousness.
One or Two articles on Amish Plain Dress — The Amish and other traditional Mennonites have a standard of covering which covers most of the body. The Amish and some others also have a “plain” style, which does not allow clothes which have bright colors or patterns.
My Journey into Modesty — This is an overview of how I took on modesty in my life and offeres a few pieces of advice for other believers.
Early Church — Here is some but not all of the commentary by early Church leaders about modesty. They are very clear about covering up the body, and equally on avoiding adornment.I appreciate their overall spirit of seeking holiness as well as their plain talk against evil.
Advice on Respecting Modesty in this Fallen Age — Article by the author.
Incorruptible Beauty vs. Cosmetics — I wrote this to explain how the Christian staying away from makeup, jewelry, and similar “beauty” rituals is in line with Scripture. It is a letter in response to a pastor’s comment calling this “extreme.”
A Catholic standard of modesty based on the holiness of Miriam
A Short Video on Modesty — A man’s man tells it like it is.
— By Paul Nilson.
The Traditional Jewish Standard — Notice how clear cut this explanation is. Modesty is not nearly as difficult as some people would like to make it. If you care you can easily do it.
LGBT or MNPS? — Modest Natural Plain and Simple: This letter to a brother in Messiah begins by answering the question of why I wear a beard, and continues by explaining the simple application of biblical principles to our life. We practice modesty and we respect the way that God made us. I wish all other Christians did.
Authority on Her Head: This article on the Christian headcovering is also on the Articles Menu on the right. The headcovering is not specifically about modesty, but I place a link here also as it interweaves with the meaning and the practice of modesty.

Propose Modesty in Your Community
Sample Modesty Proposal for a Congregation — This is packed with observations, so if you use it you may want to remove a few things.
Sample Modesty Proposal for a Christian Event
Sample Modesty Proposal for an Organization — This is aimed at a large church, denomination or religious umbrella organization. It comes with a sample advert which briefly announces and explains the standards alongside relevant scripture.

America, Let’s Put on Some Clothes
Katies Mercantile — This online shop sells mostly traditional Mennonite clothing and accessories. We’ve ordered handmade dresses from them and appreciate their work.
Quaker Jane — This website is a hub for Quaker Plain Dress
Modest Clothes — This appears to be multi-ethnic and multi-religious modest clothing.
Hannahlise — This appears to be mostly contemporary modest clothes, and looks much better than most contemporary shops which call themselves modest.
Gehman’s County Fabrics — You can find modest skirts and dresses along with fabrics and other goods. Much of the apparel is made to order.
Modest Apparel USA
Shukr — This is an Islamic modest clothes shop. We’ve ordered from them before and like their work.

Modest Sportswear
Ah— A Christian athlete defending her dignity? Nope, a Muslim again!
Meant to be Modest — This modest swimwear website is run by Christians.
A Muslim shop for modest swimwear.
An article by Catholics which lists many modest clothing shops, including modest sports wear. I don’t know how good all the resources are.
Another modest sportswear website. Again, NOT by Christians.
A short video promo for modest swimwear. You know, a lot of people think covering up like this is silly. But isn’t it worse than silly to have your mother, sister, daughter trot around mostly naked for everyone to see?